Well, my dear friends, I am afraid the day we have all feared has come. We have moved out of our sub-standard accommodation for good, and will thus never again cross paths with Cheng. Though I’m sure this is going to be painful for all of us, I think it is best if we part ways here, once and for all.
As we are never ever getting back together, today’s entry is themed around BREAKUP SONGS. Let the three course fuck-up BEGIN. (I read that in the Raven man’s voice and now so did you)
The first of our dishes is a bizarre dish that does not seem wholly unappetising upon first glance, however delve deeper and the special Cheng trademarks become apparent. Like a cream egg, but filled with shit instead – though that knock-off American Cadburys’ wannabe (oh I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want) chocolate they now use for cream eggs basically is shit (Ben-)hurhurhurhur
Dish 31: Stir-Cry Me A River
Ingredients: Spaghetti, onions (red and white), mince, mushrooms, salt, Sharwoods stir-fry sauce
1) Fill your glass oven dish full of water and soak some spaghetti in it
2) Fill a pan with water and hurl a mushroom monsoon into the waters below. NOTE – You may scoff and say this step is pointless, but we have these rules in place here for reasons – reasons you don’t understand, reasons you couldn’t possibly understand. There is a higher purpose beyond your realm of comprehension and it is essential that this soaking process goes on. As it is the final entry we thought we would finally reveal what it is and IT IS………yeah it’s fucking pointless actually I was hoping I could come up with a reason as I was typing this but nope, I guess the reasons for this soaking will forever remain a mystery to humanity, alongside the likes of why Stonehenge was built, who Jack the Ripper was and how Firefly only got one season but Jersey Shore managed 6.
3) Whilst the spaghetti and mushrooms soaks, fill a bowl with mince meat. Then proceed to soak this into a mushy paste under a full-blast deluge from the tap. NOTE – If you listen carefully, you may be able to hear the voice of Lucifer himself whispering from the drowned mince below
4) Leave the room for however long or however you little you wish, as the ingredients soak and the planets align as prophesied by the Mayans
5) Return and retrieve your large knife from your cupboard, then grab a red onion. Peel the skin and throw all over the floor, and then cut the onion on the worktop below, cutting with the finesse and dexterity Ed Miliband would display if engaged in mortal combat with a huge bacon sandwich. NOTE – Don’t use a chopping board you crazy fucking bastard.
6) Repeat step 5 with a white onion, except cut more thinly and finely.
7) Transfer the spaghetti and water to a pan and boil, covering with a plate stolen from your flatmate during freshers week.
8) Meanwhile, microwave the soggy mince, to ensure the finest of textures to your well-treated (with water) meat. NOTE – Maximise the potential health hazard to you and your flatmates by covering with a pan lid featuring metal.
9) Transfer your spaghetti back to its glass berth of birth and season with the finely-sliced white onion
10) Assuming your microwave didn’t explode and kill you all, retrieve your tepid mince and add to a separate pan, alongside a huge dollop of Sharwood’s stir-fry sauce and the red onion
11) Don’t fear, for this dish has yet to reach its final form. Whilst this cocktail of…cock coalesces, drain away the mushroom water from earlier, then finely dice your ‘shrooms. OPTIONAL – For a bit of variety you could always try using magic mushrooms – after all, perhaps you’ll hallucinate that you somehow enjoyed this culinary apocalypse. If you can’t get a hold of them, just use some mushrooms you picked from the nearest bit of shrubbery, as they wont make this meal any less appealing and may grant you salvation from the following 2 meals through the sweet release of death.
12) Add the mushrooms and continue to bubble the mixture below
13) Christen this stir-fried fuck with at least three fuckloads of salt, all the while humming the black mass (I assume that’s what Cheng was humming anyways)
14) By the time this mixture has fully congealed, the spaghetti should be pretty fucking cold. Leave this pan until it reaches a similar temperature of stone-fucking-cold
15) When both spaghetti and sauce are as cold as the heart of the white witch, add the sauce to the glass dish and ENJOYYYYYYY
16) Why would you microwave mince for fucks sake
Next on the menu is a more traditional dish, however it is just as unappetising. A cross between a tuna salad and diarrhoea, this meal is best enjoyed on a hot summer day, seasoned with asbestos and enjoyed with a nice glass of hydraulic fluid to wash the meal away (alongside all of your internal organs – trust me when I say it’s for the best).
Dish 32: So Long And Thanks For All The Fish
Ingredients: Onion, cabbage, tuna in mayo with sweetcorn, salt, oats
1) Soak a lump of cabbage in a pan of water, per standard procedure – this is vital to avoid desiccation of this most aquatic of vegetables
2) Whilst the cabbage soaks, chop an onion with levels of rapid pace and brutal violence reminiscent of the Breaking Bad prison shanking scene. ASIDE – On the topics of prisons, this meal is (to paraphrase the legendary Malcolm Tucker) like the Shawshank Redemption of this blog, only with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.
3) Remove the now-hydrated cabbage and tear into chunks with your bare hands.
4) Transfer the ensuing cabbagetastrophe to a pan and gently fry alongside the onions
5) Open a tin of tuna, mayo and sweetcorn. NOTE – yes you can get a tin with all of these in which is an awful reflection on the excesses of western society and evil of processed food
6) Separate the sweetcorn out and toss it into the bin, presumably so as to not ruin the dish
7) When the onions are crisp and the cabbage reduced to a mass of monosaccharides, pour the tuna-mayo combo in
8) Season this all this an ungodly amount of salt
9) Top this off with a gentle grating of (you didn’t misread that)…something green and vegetable-y.
10) Prepare a side of oats to enjoy this with
11) As ever, leave for 30minutes and enjoy stone cold from the pan for best results, mixing the oats in alongside this shambles of a salad. NOTE – alternately, toss this down the sink and order a shit takeaway instead, as that is what Cheng did if my memory is correct
By now, your appetite for our special brand of cuisine is certainly more than sated, however we would like to go one step beyond in providing you with images of the various levels of culinary hell, so we have one more dish prepared, just for you. Enjoy!
Dish 33: I Will (Probably Not) Survive/Total Eclipse of The Colon
Ingredients: Chick peas, (heinz) baked beans, cucumber, red onion, lamb, celery, asparagus, salt
1) Place the lamb in a bowl and thoroughly rinse under the cold tap, symbolic of the Lamb of God (note – I mean Jesus here not the metal band) cleansing the earth of its sins (though he obviously did a shit job when such food still persists)
2) When this lamb is adequately hydrated, slam it into the microwave and blast it beyond your wildest nightmares
3) Meanwhile, leave some asparagus/asparagii to soak in a pan, per usual procedure.
4) As the meat is spoiled and the asparagus slightly wettened, slice and dice the cucumber into fine little cubes – cubecumber, if you’ll pardon the pun (it’s a shit one so I’ll fully understand if pardons are withheld)
5) OPTIONAL – I’ve been writing for so long by this point that I reserved this step for a break, during which I listened to “The Thrill is Gone” by B.B King (rip in peace). You might as well use this step to take a step back and contemplate what you’ve done, what you’re doing and what you’re about to stop. Redemption is impossible by this stage, but if you walk away from this dish now you could at least spare the world more suffering.
6) Assuming you skipped step 5 as our chef did, then proceed to dice a red onion
7) Slice some celery
8) Throw these vegetables into an oiled pan, alongside the already-microwaved lamb chunks
9) Hurl in half a tin of chick peas and half a tin of baked beans (a tasty and fibrous combination)
10) Cover with a volume of soy sauce equivalent to the volume of rain Noah had to put up with
11) When most the nutritional value of this meal has been obliterated, go one step beyond by adding enough salt to fully salinate both every drop of water and every human soul on the planet (I literally have no more salt descriptors left by this stage so good thing the blog is finishing here)
12) Repeat steps 10 and 11 over and over again, uninterrupted as mankind falls, the sun burns, the universe undergoes heat death and time itself runs out – second by second, moment by moment, until all that is left is you and the pan, caught in a never-ending loop of salt, soy sauce and misery (like an R-rated version of Groundhog Day)
13) Speaking of heat death, leave this meal until every last ounce of heat has faded, then hurl it into your glass oven dish and ENJOY!
Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.
So said Dr Seuss. We hope our blog will stay with you for ever, albeit not in the form of the night terrors and PTSD oh so many of our regular readers have begun to report.
Our final ever song recommendation is fitting: The legendary folk classic Ain’t No Grave, performed and arranged by Johnny Cash (we were thinking the Long and Winding Road but that’s a bit too whimsical and saccharine for my liking, as neither of those words could describe this blog or the meals present within):
Lots of Love,
Conor and Joe